drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
