I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
