Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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