I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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