Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
