Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
