listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
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I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So much Jack, so little girl.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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