Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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