you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
