Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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