Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex