new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....