he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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