Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
