I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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