you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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