Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
