I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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