Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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