Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
