she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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