she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
