so that wasnt chicken after all
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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