On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
