I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
