Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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