I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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