the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
