He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
