I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
