How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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