I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i out mim tonsoeep
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
