i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
