When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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