my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
whose ass print is on the piano?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
