I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Banned from zoo.
Again?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
