I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
