Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
