Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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