I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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