I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
