someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
FUCK WHALES
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
