weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
