she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i think i have two assholes
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
