I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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