i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
