If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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