You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
