dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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