I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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