the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
