I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
