i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
