I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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